11:13p – 6237

Hi. I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve last posted.  Good news, er- okay, not sure if it’s good news, but I did get in touch with my therapist. She referred me to a psychologist. Meaning that my anxiety isn’t as bad to where I need medication from a psychiatrist, but at least I’ll have someone professional to talk to. Maybe finally get my shit together, who knows?

In other news, my health is slowly declining. My bone density test wasn’t the best and I am not taking a new pill every week for my bones. My kidneys are acting up and I have so many upcoming lab tests to do in order for them to evaluate and figure out what to do with me. Also, my doctor recommended that I do chemotherapy. I’ve gone through this once when I was 12. I became depressed and I did not want to agree to anything.  It took me months before I came to an acceptance that it was going to be the only thing that was going to save my life, but when I was finally ready for treatment, my lab results weren’t stable enough for me to continue. Alternative medication was prescribed, thankfully.

With that said, all I can think of how much I prayed so that I wouldn’t have to go through chemotherapy. And that made me think of the lesson last Wednesday at church. Is my life going to shit because I haven’t been praying? I always feel so guilty and unworthy when I decide to pray again and I always feel so bad when I do pray. Every time someone tells me to pray without even knowing about all the shit I go through, I start to cry.

Dear God,
I can never fully express how I feel, but you know me better than I know myself. If you can please help me. Please help me to reconnect. Please help me make the right decisions. Please help me through my trials. Please help me, excuse my language, but get my shit together. Please help me realize. Help me realize that I need you. I fear you so much, and you know that. I don’t know why I’m hiding. I don’t know why I think dying would get rid of all my problems. Please help me remember that you will always be there for me.

Please, God. I’m begging you.

…

That’s enough emotional thoughts for the night.
Until next time.

xo, nat.

4:46p – 6147

Huh. I just realized I never finished writing my post about the wedding I went to. Oh well.

Hi. I feel like shit. I took two naps thinking I was just tired, but I woke up and still felt like how I did before the naps. I’ve been waiting for my therapist to email me or give me a call, but I still haven’t heard from her. I really hope she didn’t forget about it because I really felt like the sessions were helping. How ironic is it that a place that’s supposed to get rid of my anxiety is actually giving me more anxiety.

Hm. Let’s see. The boy I like (or, have been for a long while now) — I feel like he’s ghosting me. Yet when I start to do the same, there he is all up on me and shit. A part of me feels like I messed up, although he tells me I have not. That could also just be my anxiety talking, but who knows. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at that point where I just want to tell him how I feel but the risk and the fact that he lives miles and miles away isn’t helping. At this point, I just want to know how he feels. If it was meant to be then I guess we’d make it work even under our circumstances. If not, then well I

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at that point where I just want to tell him how I feel, but there is this big risk and also the fact that he lives miles and miles away isn’t helping either. At this point, I just want to know how he feels. If it was meant to be then I guess we’d make it work even under the circumstances we’re in. If not, then well… I might need some time to heal and process. And if I’m being honest, that might take a long while.

I’ve been looking around my room realizing how much shit I have, and I’m trying to hard to find time to list everything up for sale. I should pay off some credit cards and shit. I don’t know what I got myself into. Are personal loans from banks even helpful? Maybe I need a job? Ugh but I literally have one more year of school left and because of my lazy ass, it’s gonna be a fucking hectic one. Especially since my ass decided to become an officer in one of the school clubs as well.

I’m such a dumbass. I need my therapist or my psychiatrist or whoever the hell is supposed to see me because all I can think of is how much better this whole situation would be if I’m not there to see it.

I wonder if my brothers have seen the brochures on my desk that boldly states how to understand and treat anxiety and depression, as well as a list of numbers for mental clinics.

Maybe I should call one. I’m hoping for better days.
I’m gonna shower. Hopefully, I’ll feel better after.
xo, nat.

4:37p – 677

I went to therapy yesterday. Not physical therapy, like- mental therapy. I have to admit, I was super nervous about it. Filling out the forms before my appointment made me feel uneasy, and for some reason, I was so hesitant to answer every question truthfully. But I did what I was taught in my studies, just tell the truth. Cause honestly, that’s the only way I can get help.

The loud sound the keyboard was making as I typed was calming me down a little. The elevator reeked, so I help my breath for a while as I rode it to the highest floor in the building. I couldn’t stop shaking my leg while I was in the waiting room. I hear HGTV playing on the tv, I see supporting phrases such as, “You can fight this!” and “You’re stronger than you think.” on the walls, and then a bunch of brochures that made me think, “Oh, great. I’m a crazy person.”

I was finally called by my therapist. She told me to sit on the couch and I waited there as she grabbed me some water. I grabbed a pillow without asking and hugged it on my lap. All I could hear was the annoying sound of not one, but two clocks ticking. I personally dislike that noise, and it made me feel so uneasy in the beginning.

She came back with water and I chugged it down. At first, it was hard for me to speak, but as she read my forms and asked me questions, it was easier for me to say my story. I cried a little, I’ll admit that. I didn’t realize how much the little things were affecting me until the end of the session. Apparently, I have severe anxiety with secondary depression. Huh.

She was very nice. Unfortunately, she won’t be working with me, but she did say that I was going to be working with the psychiatrist instead because of my condition. In all honestly, as embarrassing as it sounds to even walk into a mental health clinic, I felt so much more relief when she told me that it was ok to feel this way and that I am not overexaggerating my feelings. It definitely felt like I was actually going to get help rather than having friends and family tell me that I got this or that I should be worrying about anything. It made me feel better that someone out there didn’t think I was overreacting to certain scenarios that happened in my life, that in this case, is actually affecting me a lot.

I’m not going to lie, but I am pretty nervous about what’s coming next for me. I know that once I got home, I wanted to tell her more things that I felt, but I ended up falling asleep instead. I left out some details that I think I might need to tell her or whomever it is that I have to work with.

So there’s my life update on that. I have these brochures on my desk on how to treat anxiety and depression. It’s kinda weird, but I’m just keeping them there for some reason.

Until next time.
Sorry for leaving this on a ‘meh’ note.

xo, nat.

 

8:26p – 5307

I slept better last night than I normally do, and that’s probably part of the reason why I was in a better mood today. It’s silly how I told myself that I’d cut coffee from my life, but I honestly just don’t have the willpower to do so. Call me an addict, whatever. Caffeine is a drug. But without coffee, I fall asleep at random times for hours and it just fucks up my schedule so badly.

I drink a cup of coffee a day. Black. Meaning, no extra sugar– just straight up 95mg of caffeine and 116mg of potassium in an 8oz cup of coffee. Yes, 8oz. My Keurig tells me so. Sometimes I don’t even finish my full cup, and I rarely ever drink another cup of coffee. I barely eat chocolate, and my teas are always caffeine free. I also only drink soda in replace of coffee, so I don’t really have any other source of caffeine besides that. Sometimes I wonder if I should switch to decaf. I have a feeling I’m going to be told to do so.

I feel completely dead and unmotivated when I don’t drink coffee. For example, I usually forget to drink coffee on Sundays because I never have time to drink any before service in the morning. I do usually end up drinking soda for lunch, but something just isn’t the same. I feel like it’s also the sugar crash and me falling asleep for hours at the most random times is what gets me. And that’s why I always feel like shit on Mondays for not being able to get enough sleep.

I honestly do feel caffeine has some type of correlation to my anxiety. It makes sense. I started drinking coffee in college, and I started having panic attacks and bad anxiety in college. I just feel like it’s getting worse with the added “adulting” to the mix. It sucks. I don’t know what to do with my life. I can quit coffee, but it’s honestly the only thing that gets me up in the morning. Sometimes at night (even right now), the only thing I look forward to for the next day is to drink another cup of coffee.

Hah. I’m a drug addict. Caffeine addict. Who would’ve thought. Oh, right. Everyone.

That’s all I have for today.
Until next time.

xo, nat.

10:03p – 5287

I’m so uninterested in life. Can it just end now?

11:12p – 5267

It’s Friday. A lot of shit has happened since the last time I’ve posted on here, but I’ve deleted all my previous posts for reasons. By shit, I mean good and bad. Let’s just say, I’m still left confused on where I’m at, and at this point- I just don’t give a fuck about life as much as I did before anymore.

But like I said, it’s Friday. I spent the day mostly sleeping and catching up with the show, Casual, since the new season released a few days ago and I last left off somewhere in the middle of season two. My best friends are out of town (like, literally all of them), and I’m left here stuck in summer school. Honestly, if I wasn’t going to get in the class, I would’ve gone to my hometown. As boring as it can get over there, I miss it there. I had a plan to drive myself around and explore the littler places nobody ever bothers to go to over there. Huh, speaking of driving- I haven’t driven my car in a month. I think the last time I drove it was when my best friend came over for my birthday weekend.

Anyway. Speaking of Casual, Tommy Dewey, the guy who plays Alex, noticed me today on twitter. I don’t know what it is, but I have this attraction towards his character in the show. Not just the cute factor, but the personality. Odd, I know. But I got super giddy because I hashtagged #WeCanMatch and he liked my tweet. Haha. Yeahhh, so dumb. But whatever.

I never really talk about this show. One, because I don’t know anyone else who watches it. Two, because I already get judged thoughts when I say ‘Friends With Benefits’ is one of my favorite movies. I actually really enjoy this show. Ignore the 3 star rating on Hulu if you’re reading this. Give it a chance, and maybe if you like it then we might become friends or something. Hah.

I got out of bed at 12:30pm this morning and I haven’t really done shit today, as mentioned. I drank a bottle of Stella and scarfed down some freshly baked cookies. I’m pretty bored and kinda turned on for some reason. I might head to bed soon since there’s nothing else to do. None of my friends are replying back either. Womp.

Hope you enjoyed my random snippet of the day. I’ll probably come back here from time to time.

Until next time.
xo, nat.